Can I Stay Here Forever?

"Through forgotten convictions, Misplaced affections, I'm losing the sound of Your voice. I've been chasing after emptiness, Trying to tidy up this mess. I swear I've been down this road before. I want to get back to where it all began, When I would long for only You. Like a child I'll take You at Your word. As these mountains of doubt, they fade away. I'm longing to trust and love You more. So for me this is beautiful. A brand new thought, and a brand new world. Can I stay here forever here with You? I've lost sight of what first drew me, To the love that pursued me. The joy that inspired my song. The friendship that was all I knew. The arms that I would fall into, Seem miles and years from where I am today. I got to get back to where it all began, When I would wait for only You. Can I stay here forever, Here with you? Surrounded by Your mercy, Clothed in Your truth. Always, I'll stay, Always here with You. Can I be here forever, Here with You?Can I know what it's like, To deeply love You?Always, Lord, let me stay. Always, here with You."

Rock Bottom:

When I came home from dido my mom was laow gun ngo. Last night, she grounded me until after Christmas. But the thing is today, just like.. an hour ago, she was laow gun ngo, but she showed how much she cared for me. She was telling me to forget marks, forget trying hard at school, just rest and feel better. I was crying and she was telling me not to cry and that my health is more important to her. She told me she doesnt want my head to explode, and all she sees right now is a vicious cycle. One of sleeping late , working too hard, sleeping even later, being tired, being sick, getting sicker, working harder, sleeping even later, getting even more headaches, getting even sickerr and not sleeping at all on repeat.She was saying how only i can find the solution to that problem.The doctor gave me her advice, my mom gave me hers, but only i can solve the problem. And thats exactly what Jon said to me,and thats what kwong said.I came upstairs crying,and I came into my room,and its like a total mess from doing project, from like... frantically looking for stuff.Sitting in this mess, I basically turned on my computer and started blasting starfield songs.Just reflecting on the lyrics of every song I'm listening to, I realize that all along I've had this desire to block myself out from the world. And the song so small by carrie underwood, I saw the lyrics on gretchen's xanga and its like exactly what i'm feeling x 102304923403249823023952.Cause its like:

"I know its hard on a rainy day, you wanna shut the world out and just be left alone. but dont run out on your faith. Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand, and what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hands. Its so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time, it's like a river that's so wide, it swallows you whole. While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change, and worrying about all the wrong things. Time's flying by, moving so fast, you better make it count cause you can't get it back"

And like, I know I've been drowning myself. And the sad thing is, I told my mom I dont know whats happening anymore. And its true though, I look at myself right now and the first thing that honestly came into my head, the first thought, was "How did things end up like this?" Just a month ago, God was all I clung to. And my eyes were so clear, I was so convicted to live my life for Him. But when I'm so strong about my feelings, I run on emotion and then satan comes and knocks me down and shows me i cant run on emotion alone. I need more faith, more trust, and I need to completely rely on Him. Its like this song by Starfield, which says: "I want You to be, everything to me". I need to be so much stronger then I think I am. Things just came so fast... finding out about my mom's situation at work, work being so stressful, school being so stressful, and i'm so worried about wanting to do good in my future. I'm getting 95/96 in french, and 97 in accounting, but I dont even find any feeling of accomplishment in that. And I say I've been trying so hard to like, do good at school but truthfully I try... but its like my mom says: "Whats the point of preparing well? if by the end you cant even go to school cause your head is bursting?" My life right now, is soo unbalanced like... things are flying everywhere. But as I'm listening to these songs and listening to the lyrics, I cant help but cry, and keep crying. I know how strong how happy and how at peace I can be when God is the center. I smile, I laugh and I live easier when I have God. And I'm questioning myself, wondering why I'm so far from God now. Its like, I've been convincing myself that I'm so close to God and that He's the only thing I'm hanging to. But thats so far from the truth. I expect God to make things right, without trying myself. That's not called relying on God, that;s just called testing Him, taking HIm for granted. Without listening to him, without listening to what He wants me to do, and without caring and loving my relationship with Him, how can I expect my life to become any better? Cause I pray and pray and pray, and ask God to take me back on the path I was on before. And He's answered me so many times, through Jon, through Kwong, through other brothers and sisters, through everyone... But I've been so blind, and just closed all that out. People say that theres the wide path of the world, or the narrow path of God. They say that the narrow path is a harder path to take. I've been unknowingly, or rather... I pretend not to know, but I've been walking on the wider path lately. Thing is, for me, it's not easy at all. I know for a fact my life is reliant on God, He's like the air I breathe. I've been trying to walk in a space where theres no air for me,and I'm suffocating. Tonight, it's like God is shoving air into my lungs. I'm opening my eyes and it's like the song "Come home running". Why would I stray from Him? I don't know, but its like I'm always straying from Him. Truthfully, this time worse then others. Now I realize, it's like I'm once again at rock bottom. But God's merciful and I know that I'm so far right now from what He wants of me. Just sitting here, I'm crying cause I realize that the "narrow path", as people call it...its the only path I know howt to walk on. This "wide path" is so hard to walk on when I have no air to breathe. God has taken my hand and brought me back to His path, and now I'm breathing again. Air seems so much more precious and I'm not taking it for granted. I'm thinking everytime I take a breath, that it's God. This is making me realize just how how far I've become from God, and how much I've fallen. I've been through this before, and I know that I'll go through times like this in the future.But I really need to try to lessen those times from 1000 to 100, from 100 to 10 and 10 to 1. Till I can rely on God with faith that moves mountains.